::worthless::

Have you ever felt worthless?
Have you felt like giving up?
Have you ever felt like nothing ever goes right?

If you have.. i understand what you’re going through. If not, wow.. you are one lucky person. I remember my freshman and sophmore year.. It was a hard time for me. I was too faced. One was an innocent little christian girl and the other.. a girl who loved to have fun.. if you know what I mean. Lol… Those two years are the biggest regrets. I thought I would have learned my lesson when my mom threatened to kill herself… maybe even where she said she was going to leave and never come back… all because of me. I was the cause of mom’s misery and the reason my family was breaking apart. Don’t try to comfort me because I know this is true. Instead of changing my ways for the good… I turned to bad things. <Things I don’t want to talk about..> I knew it would hurt people, but i did it anyways. I told no one.. not even my best friend. 

I remember the first time I told her… I called her one night after getting caught having a beer can in my backpack. She was so shocked; she couldn’t say anything. Trust me… for her not to be able to say anything, that is a big shocker.  I soon went in depression. It was so serious that i had to take medication, but I had some form of it. I told one person how I felt. He was such a great friend. He still is now. We’re just not as close. However, I becamse close to another guy. We should have stayed as friends, but we didn’t. I did something so bad… <don’t worry.. it’s not sex… -o-> But I keep blaming myself because of his recent break-up. <Read Losing Soemthing Special from October 2009>  In truth, I blame myself for alot of things… who dosen’t?

Well.. I could go on forever about how my life is messed up. This post and Losing Something Special isn’t even half of it. But I know i’m not the only one suffering, so i’ll stop.

Ask me Anything..

http://www.formspring.me/Kimxo3 <– keke ask me anything (:

Tough Times…

I know i’m not the smartest girl in the world..
Nor the smartest in the family…
You treat me differently, in a good and bad way
You treat me like a princess… like some little brat
You act as if im the sickest person in the world.
Yea.. so i have alot of health problems… I won’t be able to get a 4.0, you had such huge dreams for me.
…I know you love me but… the things you do for me… the way you treat me…

You make my brothers do all the hardwork while I just sit by and watch them.
Do you know frustrating it is… when I… their nuna can’t help them?
And when I do something, you yell at me.
You don’t let me do anything on my own…
DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS?! THE FIRST THING I HEAR IS WHEN I WAKE UP, IS YOU YELLING AT ME! YOU COMPLAIN HOW I DON’T HELP! HOW YOUR LIFE IS MISERABLE! YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU BROUGHT THIS UNTO YOURSELF!!

I tell myself to be strong…
That I’m not the only one who goes through hard times…
There were times when I got jealous of other people, cause I thought their life was so perfect.
Yea… some lives are harder than others but
“I often wonder if life is easier for other people or they’re just better at hiding it.”

city lights.

“But you are alone. Yet I never tell what you are. And if your face lights up my world as no other can – well, this feeling too, when viewed as the mere psychologist has to view it, appears to be simply what all the other friends report about their friends.”
  – Josiah Royce

Boredom.

http://www.formspring.me/Kimxo3  <— ask my anything you guys (:

staircases

The staircase of life…
It gets slippery.
You may even get scratched or fall on the way up.
Sometimes you might fall so hard that, you end up at the bottom of the stairs.
To get to the top, you hang onto the railing.
That railing.. can get you far.
No matter how thin or what shape it’s in… It gets you to the top.

A little corny? Yea it is…
But hey… what better thing to compare to life then staircases (:

So.. I don’t get the greatest grades. I’m not smart or musically talented… nor am i athletic.
I  know I have dissapointed you…
I know I’m not as smart as my brothers…
When people asked you… you said, she tries.
Not even…
I know you love me… but sometimes I wish you didn’t…