Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life I placed in your hands
God of mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your thrown

I call you answer
And you came to my rescue
And I want to be where you are

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled I bow down
In your presence at your thrown

I call you answer
And you to came to my rescue
And I want to be where you are

My life be lifted high
My work be lifted high
My love be lifted high

God… You are just so amazing. The things you do are endless. You are so caring, loving, forgiving… etc. Objects come and go… Things come and go… People come and go. However, I know that You will always be by my side. Whenever I call out your name, you listen to everything I have to say. You may not always answer right away but that’s cause you know what is best for me. My whole life is in your hands. God Father, guide me. Help me to see what’s right and what’s wrong. I go down on my knees and lift my hands. Giving all I can…

Why am I like this?
I keep apologizing but, things don’t change.
I tell myself to change… to move on.
Why can’t I?

You don’t even look at me anymore.
Living under the same roof means nothing to us.
Sorry for making your life so hard.
Sorry.

Ji-Hoon Oppa:

Ahnyoung. How are you? I guess that’s kind of a stupid question.. Since you know. Well, normally I would cry over this but… I made a promise to another special friend of mine to get over it. Crying over you won’t bring you back. I know living with your  mom was tough. I wish I knew what you were going through. I never would’ve left you alone. I’m sorry that I couldn’t have helped. However, I won’t let this slow me down. Because of this, I became closer to 2 friends. Also, this encouraged me go and evangelize more. Even though I made a promise to not cry over you and move on, dosen’t mean that I’ll will forget you. Thanks for being who you were. Thanks for everything. 

R.I.P. Jihoon Oppa 6/25 </3                                                                 -Love, Your ddong seng.

I’m not saying that I hate life or want to kill myself. It’s just that I wish life was easier. Who dosen’t want this? It hurts  me to say this, but I felt like I had no true friends. I know it’s not true, but I could never be myself around everyone. I was being someone else. When I showed some people my true self, they started to dislike me… started to push me away.

But hey, its the summer time. Ever since the second game for Korea in the world cup, I’ve been hanging out with the same people, especially these two from church. It has been amazing for me. Going to the pool with Jamie, bowling with the group, eating at David’s cafe, no rae bang, SPLICE… They are memories I will never forget. I love the times when they smile; I can’t help but smile. I’m so thankful for them and whatever I do cannot show that. They both love God and continue to guide me along that path. I know that I can go to them whenver I have a problem, and they will give me christian advice. First of all, Jamie. She is gorgeous inside and out. She’s always been there for me and will continue to be. I’m so glad that over the course of 2 weeks, we have been getting much closer. She’s my unnie and my grandma. She might as well be my mom. Second, there’s David. We’ve known each other for a couple of months, but never really got the chance to hangout or talk. Everytime I hang out with him, I feel as if we’re getting closer. He’s really kind and caring and omg… he’s funny. Watching him and Woosung play is hilarious. I seriously am thankful for the both of you. My unnie and oppa. I have so much more to say about them… but… I should probably stop here. I hope everyone gets lucky as me and become friends with people like Jamie unnie and David oppa.

But.. why does it still feel cold to me?
I still get the shivers and the chills.
I feel fright going down my spine..
My feelings tingling..

+++

I feel alone.. I know I’m not.
What is wrong with me?
I just choose not to make certain decisions.
I ignore them.. I know I shouldn’t..

Have you ever felt worthless?
Have you felt like giving up?
Have you ever felt like nothing ever goes right?

If you have.. i understand what you’re going through. If not, wow.. you are one lucky person. I remember my freshman and sophmore year.. It was a hard time for me. I was too faced. One was an innocent little christian girl and the other.. a girl who loved to have fun.. if you know what I mean. Lol… Those two years are the biggest regrets. I thought I would have learned my lesson when my mom threatened to kill herself… maybe even where she said she was going to leave and never come back… all because of me. I was the cause of mom’s misery and the reason my family was breaking apart. Don’t try to comfort me because I know this is true. Instead of changing my ways for the good… I turned to bad things. <Things I don’t want to talk about..> I knew it would hurt people, but i did it anyways. I told no one.. not even my best friend. 

I remember the first time I told her… I called her one night after getting caught having a beer can in my backpack. She was so shocked; she couldn’t say anything. Trust me… for her not to be able to say anything, that is a big shocker.  I soon went in depression. It was so serious that i had to take medication, but I had some form of it. I told one person how I felt. He was such a great friend. He still is now. We’re just not as close. However, I becamse close to another guy. We should have stayed as friends, but we didn’t. I did something so bad… <don’t worry.. it’s not sex… -o-> But I keep blaming myself because of his recent break-up. <Read Losing Soemthing Special from October 2009>  In truth, I blame myself for alot of things… who dosen’t?

Well.. I could go on forever about how my life is messed up. This post and Losing Something Special isn’t even half of it. But I know i’m not the only one suffering, so i’ll stop.

You make my brothers do all the hardwork while I just sit by and watch them.
Do you know frustrating it is… when I… their nuna can’t help them?
And when I do something, you yell at me.
You don’t let me do anything on my own…
DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS?! THE FIRST THING I HEAR IS WHEN I WAKE UP, IS YOU YELLING AT ME! YOU COMPLAIN HOW I DON’T HELP! HOW YOUR LIFE IS MISERABLE! YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU BROUGHT THIS UNTO YOURSELF!!

I tell myself to be strong…
That I’m not the only one who goes through hard times…
There were times when I got jealous of other people, cause I thought their life was so perfect.
Yea… some lives are harder than others but
“I often wonder if life is easier for other people or they’re just better at hiding it.”

“But you are alone. Yet I never tell what you are. And if your face lights up my world as no other can – well, this feeling too, when viewed as the mere psychologist has to view it, appears to be simply what all the other friends report about their friends.”
  – Josiah Royce